Rapher:Night Owl

was going to use this post to vent, hell its nearly 2am, prime vent-via-blog time (for me) instead I think I’ll have a good ol’ramble rapher style…don’t mind me.

//begin(Ramble) 

Cant sleep, lot on  my mind… On friday just gone (15th), I graduated from University, finally the acculmanation of the last 4 years of hard graft….one piece of paper handed to me in front of a crowd of people (most who I don’t know and who don’t know me) clapping and supposedly celebrating in my achievement. 

However not here to talk about that, you get the general idea yadayada…

what I want to ramble about is this… *long pause*

I made mistakes over the last 4 years, a few of which relate to that piece of paper I received, if I hadn’t made them it would quite possibly look a bit different and I may not feel as rubbish as I do now. 

People are always telling me how smart, clever and brilliant I am…I really am not, I really don’t feel all that smart or clever I may have appeared to work hard but I feel I could have worked harder and I am not just talking about my uni work. 

I feel I screwed up with people too, not going to go into ton of detail but I think I let some people down, I know for a fact that my parents aren’t too please with me I know I don’t try hard enough, being patronised about this doesn’t help though. I messed it up with people that mean a lot to me, I believe I may have missed a couple of opportunities and I have many regrets about a lot of things.

however, one is suppose to learn from ones past and gain insight on how to hopefully not repeat the bad moments.

Certain events, I keep replaying them in my head,usually at this time of night, maybe thats why I can’t sleep, brain doesn’t like to shut down without a fight. But these events plague me, what I did this? or if I had said that?…I know I can’t do anything to change the events themselves and I don’t think truthfully that if given the chance I would….but I can change how I move on from them and how they affect my future. 

I am finding it hard to move on from something that occurred in the last year, I thought I had then it came back …then I was distracted by something else which in turn caused me to have an even bigger problem one I am struggling to deal with now, one I have only confided to one person, and I haven’t really told them the whole deal. Its one of those if situations were different maybe scenarios. Its tricky when the people you’d normally talk to about such matters are the very people you can’t tell. 

I realise that this blog and many of my others may sound somewhat self-centred and like I am whining about my stupid existence when there are bigger worldly problems, well maybe I am but who reads this crap anyway, writing this helps to release some of my jumbled brain mess instead of me shouting it either at some poor defenceless person or worse still completely bottling it up, which I do all too often. 

I feel like I should be writing a slight happier light hearted blog about the good things that uni life has provided me with, but to be honest, right now I am not in the mood. Plus I think I kinda wrote one few months ago. 

I know I said earlier that people saying various complementary things to me, I often find this annoys me, as I don’t feel I deserve them. However I am grateful for all the support I have received from everyone and I doubt I could have gotten as far as I have without it, so massive thank you to all you lovely people. I am sorry to those I have annoyed and done wrong by and let down, I shall make it a goal to learn, improve and make you truly proud.  

I hope I will finally move on from my past but I shall not forget it, and I won’t forget you. Ever.

//end(ramble).