Rapher:Night Owl

Well week started off well, had an interview on Monday which I thought went quite well, considering I haven’t had one in a while and I was as nervous as hell. After months of trying, I finally had a reply and an interview for a job…

However, it would appear that my luck just ain’t so good right now, received yet another rejection letter yesterday. Guess that does help me with the decision of whether I should take the job or not, I was questioning whether I could do it or not, not because I had no experience but because it was a huge commitment and a job that required me with work closely with people who wouldn’t take to kindly to me leaving suddenly. I had talked myself into thinking that it isn’t what I thought I’d be doing but that I would rather enjoy it and it was be a good learning experience, when I went to get the post …end of that one.

So I baked some muffins, played some Rammstein, got pissed off at myself…

Now, sitting here once again feeling sorry for myself, wondering what now…continue on I guess.

you know what I really don’t like, having to read about all the wonderful things people I know that are on the PhD path I should be on are doing, makes me sad to realise what I am missing out on…here I am feeling crappy and alone, whilst  they are going on business trips and science trips around the world. I mean I am happy for them as they are my friends but I feel like I am being pushed out of the world, drifting away from any hope.

I love science, I really do. However for the 1st time in years I am questioning whether I am really cut out to do what I think I want to do, if I was, surely I’d be doing it right. Maybe I am not smart enough to do the research I want to do, maybe going into research isn’t what I should be doing? It is a world that doesn’t seem to want me… the longer I wait for it to let me, the less likely it will be …

My mind keeps going back to what if I focused on my cake making, what if I did something with that?

What if I went to school to learn more, up till now I am self taught, but if I learnt properly, if I got qualifications in this…my dream of a cakeninja bakery may not be just a dream…

Some would tell me I need to make up my mind, I need to find my focus, I need to stop dawdling about and actually do something.

I am bloody trying, I trying so fricking hard to work out what the hell  I am doing, makes me feel worse, constantly being reminded everyday…people ask me ”how are you?” I lie, I say I am fine, it’s all good, to be honest, it is not, I am not in a very good place, I am regarded as a failure by my parents, I have no money, I have no job, all I have is my friends spurring me on…I am super grateful for this, I’d be lost without them. Certain person’s voice in my head is one of the few reasons I haven’t completely thrown in the towel, she is constantly there …shouting in my ear.

So I am now looking at applying to cookery, bakery schools …cake decorating courses, food hygiene certificates, things I will need if I am going to succeed at this.  I of course need something to do in the mean time, so I shall be continuing the job hunt, continues to face the inevitable rejections that come along the way,  keep fighting.

Right now though, bare with me, having bad few days, sleep is being difficult, my health is being questionable again, but no excuses….I NEED TO SORT MY LIFE OUT.

1. need to actually finish an online portfolio of my work

2. properly define my goals

3. Score the dream.

however RIGHT now, I am going to do put some Rammstein on VERY LOUD and clear my head …I have another epic cake to plan out

Rapher xox