Rapher:Night Owl

…ok so not technically scientifically correct but its kinda funny…no? ok moving on…

serious blog time (title aside)

Anyone remember high school? I do, can’t exactly forget it…some of it for the wrong reason actually mostly for that…ok there was a lot of that moulding of young minds stuff that was useful I guess but that’s not what I want to talk about.

High school is a jungle one it is all to easy to get lost in, its also a zoo and people seem to act like animals all competing for attention. Life seems like a popularity contest and one that I knew I was never going to win. That didn’t bother me, I just wanted to make it through the jungle alive and with as most knowledge as possible. 

I was a geek, I don’t try and hide it, why? That is what I was…hell I still am and proud of it. However being the nerd of the class wasn’t the easiest way to make it safely through high school without bumps and scratches, either physical or mental. 

I am aware that I am not the only person to have ever had a bad time at school nor am I going to claim that I had it the worse, I know I didn’t but what happened to me still hurt and in way affects me as a person still today.

High school seriously bruised my self confidence, I’d moved from Manchester the previous year, I spent my last year of primary school in a new area, new school to where I had been my whole life, I knew nobody I had no real friends … talk about in at the deep end.

I tried to fit in, but everyone had well established cliques and I was destined to be the outsider. Then they suddenly seem to be nice to you, you think you’ve made friends, they talk to you, smile, laugh at your jokes and you get comfortable. Then they start to turn on you, they get bored, you’re not invited to parties …

…when high school started, it got worse…to start off with, things were so bad, new class you think you’ve made new friends everything is pleasant, then for some reason you aren’t cool enough to hang out with, people are nice to your face but you know they are talking about you behind your back. 

Roll on a year, I had a bunch of people that I believed I was pretty good friends with, we had classes together, went for lunch, normal friend stuff, then on day you go to meet them for lunch and they announce that ”you need to stop following us around”, ”yeah I think you need to get new friends” ”why are you always hanging with us?” …I didn’t realise I wasn’t supposed to do this, I thought that was what friends did, I hadn’t realised I was such an embarrassment to be seen with. Then I was alone … there were people in my form class that pretended to be my friend but when out of the classroom proceeded to make my life hell, no physical abuse…100% verbal but in way that hurts more, something breaks inside you, you can’t prove it and telling someone always made it worse. 

Instead I chose to hide from it and ignore it. My love of books helped me with this, I’d spend every morning, break and lunchtime in the library, my tormentors were too cool for the library and the librarian was kind and offered me a job as assistant librarian and I felt safe. 

But you can’t hide for ever…sooner or later they find you. I had no confidence to talk to people or make new friends and this made me an easy target, so many times I fell for peoples false friendships.

It got worse when the bullying followed me home, taunted on my walk to and from school with people spreading rumours about me and my mum (at least now I wasn’t being racially taunted, back in primary school I was, people didn’t get the mixed race deal, didn’t know ‘what I was’, result being called every racial slur under the sun, my mum got it worse) 

Life got so hard, I tried to get transfered out of my form so I could be with a class that didn’t know me, was quite a large school. Alas that didn’t work. 

Wasn’t till the 3rd year of high school that things started to get little better, at this point classes were more mixed and therefore I was introduced to more people, as a result I made friends with some lovely people that were also (unfortunately) seen as outsiders. For what reason, we got good grades? We obeyed the dress code, we played in the school band? (yes I was a band geek, 2nd trumpet) 

When I was with these people I felt safe, when they weren’t there I was alone, then I joined the hockey team, one it was something to do that was better than hiding in the library at lunchtimes and two its an awesome sport. 

High school got easier but I still lacked the confidence I used to have, I was vary of people, found it hard to trust people, and this continued till I left high school, people chose to pick on me because I was small, weak and it made them feel powerful. I tried to not let it get to me, I never acted back, I just stood my ground even the time I had a football kicked into my face, oh I guess there was some physical bullying (result two black eyes), there was the incident with the hockey stick too, both during PE lessons, both put down to accident but I knew there was malice in those actions, That girl hated me ….for no reason other than she was a bully and I was beneath her. 

last two years of High school were the least painful, I had true friends, I was doing subjects I loved … Art and graphics somewhere I could lose myself for hours and also where I made some awesome friends good times some of my best high school memories are from graphics. 

Somehow I survived the jungle, however I am still affected by what happened, I still have problems being in strange environments, I am a very shy person, I have told very few people about this, I don’t do meeting new people well, tend to freeze. 

I suppose you are wondering why I decided to write this now… well I was watching a film about cyberbullying and bullying and watching it brought all the horrible memories of high school flooding back and I had to fight to hold back the tears. It however made me kinda grateful that all this fancy technology wasn’t all the rage back then, cyberbullying wasn’t as viral as it unfortunately is now, it is now harder to escape the torment and harder to prove. 

Then looking back I wondered was I weak to not have stood up for myself more? Could I have done something? 

I was worried for my little sister who has started high school, that she may face the same issues that I did, but she seems more strong willed than me, I am however worried now that she is becoming on of the people I disliked in high school, those mean dominating monsters that roamed the hallways looking for they weak, terrified prey. Maybe its just her being a teenager but she has changed into a very obnoxious girl, little embarrassed to say but I am being bullied by my 12 year sister, such malice, such hurtful words, I don’t know if she is like this to anyone else, she doesn’t have the best role models in school. Her friends don’t seem like the nicest people, rude and foul mouthed …my sister now has a horrible habit of talking back to my parents, I’d never dare to do that. 

but to get back on point, I was bullied and I shall never forget it but I think in a way it has helped me, I got past it, I didn’t let them win and if their facebook profiles are anything to go by, I have come out the other end much better off than them. 

I have everything to live for, I can make anything of my life if I put my mind to it…I do not feel the need to belittle people to make myself feel better. Even when I think I have it bad and my life sucks, I realise I am alive, I have a family, the greatest friends <3 you guys and I am so very lucky.

Life gets you down, I have my dark days, sometimes you find yourself in a depressing place with no hope but you have to grasp at the light no matter how faint it may seem and remember always follow your heart and not what others tell you to do (within reason) 

Treat others as you wish to be treated and getting even isn’t always the answer.

Don’t go it alone, its tough and it seems like no one will understand or listen but there is always someone, don’t fight it or hide from it, confront it and stare it in the face and show it you’re stronger than it. You have the power. Dont let the bully beat you…

May the force be with you. 

LLAP Rapher xo